It’s been 22 weeks…

And Baby #2 is due in June! This is an ultrasound from 21 weeks. I didn’t want to go public with it until I was safely past first trimester. But here HE is…

We’re so excited…but it’s tempered with the stress that we have to move soon. We’re due for a summer move with the Air Force and working on getting that moved up to April 1-15 because my doctors don’t want me to travel too far into the third trimester. The Air Force is WAY behind on assignment notification. We have verbal confirmation we’re going to DC but still waiting for official paper notification and then orders. All super stressful…trying to keep myself as unstressed as possible because I know this little baby needs it!

Thank you for the prayers, support, and for reading.

 

No ice babies…

So our nurse called this morning. None of the six left made it to blastocyst stage so we have no ice babies. She emphasized that this doesn’t mean anything about what is going on with the ones in me, but I still feel defeated. Even when science helps, I still can’t conceive. I know that’s not totally true and that I won’t know if one or both of the embryos implanted until next Tuesday, but still.I

My heart aches a bit. OK…that’s a lie. A lot of bit.

And every time I have a “maybe I’m pregnant because I feel this” moment, I don’t know if I should embrace and think positively or if it’s a side effect of the medications I am on.

I just want to know what is wrong with me and why I’ve been dealt this card that has consumed my life for so many years. I know that if I didn’t have infertility, I wouldn’t have my little amazing girl…the logistics wouldn’t have worked out since we used my husband’s frozen sperm when I conceived her. I just feel like she was a fluke, and I can’t get lucky again.

And instead of thinking I’m pregnant, I’m mentally planning for IVF again in January. It’s a good thing that my husband is getting his bonus to stay in the military…we’ll need it to afford this again. Blaaaah.

I know, I know…pregnant until proven otherwise is what I should be thinking. I was just hoping I had a backup plan that happened sooner than January.

Embryo transfer done!

So I didn’t post yesterday, but I had my embryo transfer. I was hoping for a Day 5 transfer, but oh well. The actual transfer went well…I was bummed by the quality of the embryos. All eight survived, but two didn’t get a grade.

Here’s what I had:

9D, 6C, 4, 5C, 7B, 6D, 4, and 8C. They put in the 7B and the 8C embryos. My doctor assured me that she’s seen babies from every letter grade and she’s seen people who get two 8As (the ideal for this day) and they haven’t gotten pregnant, so I’m trying to not worry.

I worry though. It is so weird to have everything build up and then that’s it…nothing until bloodwork on October 15. Luckily, I’m crazy busy  between now and then. I just need to keep myself in check and not worry…and just hope the one or two of the embryos put in my uterus yesterday decide to stay put. My doctor and the nurses said that because we had a child already it increases my chances for success. So we wait. I suck at waiting.

The actual transfer was fine…just like an IUI with a full bladder and I opted for the catheter to relieve my full bladder. All pretty painless.

The most annoying thing this week has been constipation and cramping from that, but my doctor assured me that can be normal after retrieval.

So now, it’s progesterone shots nights (until my pregnancy test or week 10 if I stay pregnant) and estrogen pills twice a day. And waiting. It’s hard to believe the hard part is over.

We’ll get a call on Monday if any of the other embryos survived to get frozen. I’m hoping a few do…just in case or so we can add another kid down the road. Fingers crossed.

 

Good news!

So 9 of the 19 fertilized. One of them was immature, so we have 8 embryos. Right now transfer is set for Thursday, but it’s possible that we’ll be turned away Thursday (Day 3) and told to come back Saturday (day 5) when some are blastocysts.

So now we just wait. I felt good today. We went to visit a small town outside San Antonio (Fredericksburg) with my in-laws. The walking was fine. I’m tired now…could use a nap, but I’m in very very little pain. I’m so thankful for my superpower.

I’m going to acupuncture Thursday morning before the transfer.

Now just praying that those little embryos keep on growing…

Totally floored!

So I’m totally floored. They got 19 eggs! So now we wait to see how many fertilize. We’ll get a phone call tomorrow…probably late morning since they have two more retrievals tomorrow.

I was wrong on the days for transfer. It’ll either be Thursday or Saturday. Day 1 is tomorrow, not today for the embryos. My mother-in-law’s flight leaves on Saturday at 11:30 so we’re trying to figure out if we should change flight or what to do so we have someone to watch the kiddo. I’m thinking we’ll try to get her a later flight out so she gets back home Saturday night. We apparently go in Thursday acting like there is a transfer and they decide that day if they want us to come back. Apparently they don’t like to disturb the embyros so they just let them do their thing.

I took a three hour nap this afternoon. I pretty much left as soon as I could after the procedure. I was starving…ate my crackers and drank my water. I think the valium hit me when I came home.

The procedure didn’t feel too bad. I felt a few pinches and that was it. I loved my nurses. Thank God for Kristin. She just talked to me through the whole thing and boom…it was done. I feel achier now than I did earlier today. I can’t wait to see what happens to our potential kiddos in the lab!

Tomorrow’s the day!

So sorry I haven’t written. It’s been a crazy few days. I had my ultrasound tomorrow morning. The docs confirmed that I would have my retrieval tomorrow (Monday). I have 19 follicles!!! I’m a little worried that quality will suffer because of the quantity, but I’m trying to put that out of my head. I’m hoping for one or two healthy babies from this IVF and some frozen babies for future years.

Here’s the details on Friday’s ultrasound:

Friday the 27th

Left: 12.0, 16.8, 16.3, and  4 less than 10

Right: 10.8, 10.1, 15.2, 18.4, 10.9, 10.2, 11.7, 13.5, 11.4, 14.9, 12.1, 16.7, 11.9, 14.6, 13, 9.1, and  7.9.

So you can see…my right side if VERY happy and really responding to the meds. They cut doses on my last sims and diluted my trigger shot. Anything over 14 on the day of trigger could have an egg in it. I triggered last night at 10:45, and my retrieval is tomorrow (Monday) at 10:45 a.m., but we have to be at the hospital at 7 a.m.

The in-laws arrived yesterday to help out with the kiddo for the week. My mother-in-law is here until Saturday of next week, and my father-in-law is here until Wednesday afternoon. I’m so excited that my little girl will get time with them and that I won’t have to worry about her at all this week.

So far, I’m not in a ton of pain. I definitely have pressure on my organs, but it’s not that different from how I felt late in my pregnancy with my little girl. I haven’t gained any weight but I’m super bloated. It’s been flowy dresses since yesterday. I get the occasional crampiness but that’s it.

My husband and I are heading out to see Book of Mormon tonight. I’m glad for a date night. I was nervous that I was dumb for planning it back in August, since I didn’t know how I’d react. Now I feel like it’ll be OK. Thank God for my superpower of not feeling a lot of pain. I’m a little annoyed with my acupuncturist. She had told me getting in this weekend would be no problem, and she is on a retreat, so I’m not getting any acupuncture before retrieval. I should be there today since we can’t get there tomorrow beforehand. Oh well…I’m just hoping what I’ve been doing is enough. I’m betting that we have a Day 5 transfer so hopefully I can get it before and after the transfer.

We really were kind of dumb…we’ve been trying very hard to live in the moment and not get overwhelmed with the picture. We’ve kept the eye on the prize we hope to get in June 2014, but as far as IVF goes, we’ve just been going day by day so we don’t get too overwhelmed. Today’s my only day without a shot…I’ll start progesterone shots tomorrow and those will continue until the docs hear a heart beat if I’m pregnant, and then I switch to progesterone suppositories for a few weeks (I think…again, I’m just going with a bit at a time so I don’t get totally freaked out). No more belly shots though…which is good and bad. I can’t give a shot to myself. So my husband is making sure he doesn’t go TDY (military lingo for out of town for work) and when I’m visiting family in Missouri in a few weeks, my older sister is going to have to give me a shot in the but. She’s never given a shot…so should be fun.

So please send happy thoughts and prayers our way tomorrow at 10:45 a.m. Hopefully, I’ll feel well enough to write an update tomorrow night of how everything went.

Who’s reading?

So I’m curious who is actually reading my blog since very few friends and family know about it. Who are you and why are you reading?

Just had a totally irrational hormonal panic attack

I’m a really even-tempered person. Clomid only affected me a bit. And with these meds, it affects me like wham! and then I’m back to normal. My husband was home for lunch and asked me to make room in the fridge for a pasta salad he made for tonight. I totally flipped out. Seriously…why was pulling out the soup I made last week that doesn’t sound remotely good now enough to cause me to freak out? Ugh. I even told my husband I knew I was being irrational and I just wanted to cry and explode. He knew exactly what was going on and just tried to calm me down.

I know I am lucky. My experience on these meds has been tolerable compared to so many people, but I’m ready to be off them. Hopefully, Saturday morning is my last day of stimulation meds and the egg retrieval happens on Monday. Fingers crossed and praying a lot!

Doc happy with ultrasound!!

Well good news! I had a lot going on in my ovaries. My left side had only two about 10 (10 is the magic number on whether or not they’ll produce an egg) and I had NINE above 10 on my right side. There were a lot of other potentials out there, too. I go back for an ultrasound on Friday again. I started taking Ganirelix this morning, so now I get two morning shots and one evening shot. Ganirelex keeps me from ovulating early, and the other two shots still keep my follicles growing.

After we got home, my labwork came back in and my estrogen was high so my doctor cut my Micro HCG down to 15 and my follistim down to 175.

So far, I’m not really in pain…it’s more uncomfortable and my stomach feels tight. It’s definitely swollen on my entire belly up to my chest. The best way I can describe it for people who have been pregnant is it feels like I jumped into the end of second or third trimester already even though I’m not pregnant. The pressure on my organs is very similar, and I feel like Emma has a foot on my ribcage or against a lung…only there isn’t an Emma in there to blame for it. I’ve been sleeping with a pillow on my side just like I did when I was in that part of the pregnancy.\, and it’s helped a lot.

I’m exhausted from having to be at the hospital super early this morning, but it was nice to be the first one seen. My poor kiddo and husband were troopers and went with me. Hope they survive work and school.

I’m going to get working on homework and maybe catch a brief nap before acupuncture this afternoon. While the nurse was anti acupuncture, my doctor was totally OK with it when I talked to her this morning, so I’m going to keep on going.

I’m glad my body is responding…huge relief to know that there’ a good chance they’ll get a number of eggs to work with since I know they won’t all conceive.

If my body keeps doing what it’s doing, it looks like egg retrieval will be Monday. Depending on how many eggs they get, we’ll decide if they’re going to do a Day 3 or a Day 5 transfer, so that’ll mean embryo transfer Wednesday or Friday. At the most, the schedule could be pushed back a day, I’m guessing…we should know for sure on Friday.

Thinking happy thoughts…

Side note: I love my doctor. She’s so enthusiastic. I love how she loves my daughter…every time we are in there she is mesmerized by how good my kid is (and my doc has a son about the same age). This morning, I heard in the hallway cheerfully saying, “Today’s the day….” She sounded just like Peach from Finding Nemo when she looks out the clean tank and it was supposed to be dirty. It just makes me feel more at ease when I have a doctor who truly loves her job and who is genuinely happy with how my body is responding. For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like a number in the military healthcare system.

One more day till ultrasound

So I’m trying hard to attack my to-do list while I still feel OK. I’m not doing so great at it though. I have two shots left before we get bloodwork and my first ultrasound post meds super early tomorrow morning. My stomach is feeling tight…definitely feeling some pressure on it already. I’ve been OK in the morning but get dizzy and have headaches in the evening.

The worst part is how I alone I feel. When I was doing IUIs and fertility procedures before, I blogged about it on our personal website and occasionally advertised those blogs on my Facebook page. This time, we are posting here, not on that webpage, and I realize how much I miss the support from friends and family.

I’m going through one of the most intense medical procedures I’ve ever been through both physically and emotionally this week and next week and I only really have talked to my husband and sister about it. I don’t necessarily want to talk to everyone…but there’s something nice in knowing that people are thinking of you and praying for you in really difficult times in your life. Oh well…I’m sure not having as much family and friend support outweighs the additional stress I would feel from family members and friends who disagree with our decision to do IVF. Even though I know that, it’s lonely and I miss getting FB messages and text messages of support and seeing how I am doing…

Tomorrow is the big day. Hopefully we’ll see how many follicles we have and how my body is responding. My husband and I have decided that we are not going to share that information with any of the other women we meet in the waiting area…the last thing I need is a follicle count game going on. If I have less or too many more, I know I’ll be stressed.

I’m still trying to decide what I want to put out here, too. For the women going through this, I want them to have another perspective, but at the same time, if it doesn’t work, I want to be able to grieve without telling everyone and if does work, I want to be able to enjoy our little secret until it’s safe to tell people. Infertility really takes the fun out of everything with getting pregnant and having babies…I feel like I am in a constant state of Catch-22.

OK…kiddo is calling. Signing off.